The Trouble of Trolls

In “Anecdotal Tales”, stories will be told. Some will be fun, some will not. Some will be great, some will be less so. Some stories are true, some are merely possible. This is one of them.

The Trouble of Trolls

“Whatever you are, be a good one.” –Abraham Lincoln

Trolls are everywhere.  I’m surprised you don’t hear them brought up in conversation more often.  I mean, everyone knows about the trolls that live in the forest and eat misbehaving teenagers.  The police would crack down on those troublesome creatures if they weren’t so darn big.  Sure, they’re good at hiding, but they’re not masterminds.  Besides, have you ever tried to hide a thirty-foot beast somewhere that they can’t be found?  No, you haven’t.  And if you have, you’d be the leader of the trolls.

As it stands, their need for hiding places has made them rather scattered.  It is hard enough to find a place where one giant thing can’t be found, forget about trying to hide an entire clan of them.  Out of necessity, they break up their groups and try to make it on their own.  They’re endangered, but that doesn’t mean that people don’t see them every now and then.  C’mon, all those photos of Niagara Falls and you’ve never seen the troll that lives behind the water?  Clearly, you’re just not looking hard enough.  He’s always there.  See how the falls bulge out a tiny bit?  Yeah.  That’s his nose.  The Niagara Falls creature is one of the lazier trolls. He stands there, not really doing anything.  Of course, the lazier the trolls are, the less often they terrorize us normal folks.  Everybody’s happy.  Nobody makes any waves; let bygones be bygones.  (However, I still can’t recommend riding a barrel down the falls.  It’s not the fall that’ll get ya, it’s the troll that will catch you if you fall right past him.  What, you’re going to pass up a candy bar if it happens to fall right in front of your face?  I didn’t think so.)

Let’s put to rest some thoughts that might be creeping in.  Not all trolls are out to snatch up people and eat them.  Granted, there are a few hairy behemoths that like the crunch of human bones, but we can’t judge a whole group because a handful has poor taste, right?  That would be akin to saying all people are scheming, conniving, trouble-making liars; when really that’s only describing politicians.

There are some perfectly nice trolls out there.  It’s just that the ones eating people get all the attention.  “The Three Billy Goats Gruff” started it all with that cranky troll that tried to eat the three brothers.  Let’s talk about a famous, sort-of deceased troll that “lives” in a place you can safely visit.

Take the Fremont Troll, for instance.  He’s rather peaceful.  Well, now he sort of out-does stoic, but he was rather non-violent in his more mobile days.  See, trolls are nocturnal creatures.  If they stay out too late in the daylight, they get turned to stone.

What’s that?  You think that’s vampires?  No.  What’re they teaching you kids in school these days?  See, vampires have trouble with the sun because it burns.  Trolls don’t burn, they freeze.  Get it?  No?

See, trolls are descended from Gorgons.  Medusa wasn’t the only one in Greek mythology, she had two sisters.  The story goes that one of the Gorgons had a great love affair with a Cyclops.  Have you seen the pictures of Cyclops?  They’re pretty buff.  You can’t really blame the Gorgons for being attracted to them.  Plus, since they only had one eye, the Gorgon’s whole snake/spell/stone thing didn’t have the same effect on them.  Before you know it, one of the Gorgons gave birth to a thousand little babies.  Those little tykes grew up to be the creatures we call trolls.  Because of their parents they have some odd traits.  Some of them have nice hair while others would scare of any stylist.  Many of them have only one eye, but it is located on a side of their faces, not in the middle like their father’s.

That’s probably more information than you really needed, but now it makes sense why trolls turn to stone.  It doesn’t?  Look kid, put down the video game.  This is important stuff.  Here’s the thing, since their mother was a Gorgon, they have some stone-aspects in their genes.  If they spend too much time in the sun, then the bloodline takes over and they turn to stone.  That’s why trolls have such sheltered hiding places.  You know how some people get leathery, craggily skin from being in the sun too long?  It’s the same thing with trolls, except that their skin hardens into stone and it only takes a few moments.  (Apparently they’ve tried sunscreen, but it just isn’t strong enough to work for them.  You should still use it, though.  You don’t want to turn to stone, do you?  Or get sunburned?  I didn’t think so.)

The Fremont Troll is one of the nicest trolls that ever lived around these parts.  He was actually very helpful to the settlers when they first started building.  The Fremont Troll only asked that they try to leave him the deep waters as much as possible.  (That’s why the I-90 and 520 both have floating bridges.  Any stabilizing structures underwater would have ruined the Troll’s home.  However pontoons are nothing to trolls.)

Now, don’t get me wrong, The Fremont Troll still tried to avoid the spotlight.  He had all the same anti-social tendencies as most other trolls, he just controlled them better.  If someone fell off of a bridge and ol’ Frem was around, he would certainly fish them out.  After he’d saved them for the watery depths, he’d put them on a piece of wood or whatever debris was around and let them float to safety.  He didn’t want any of these clumsy humans to die, but he wasn’t about to carry them all the way to the shore.  Can you blame him?

Appropriately enough, it was The Fremont Troll’s willingness to help others that got him into trouble.  You see, one early morning a girl named Aurora was walking along the Aurora Bridge.  Oh believe me, I know.  Aurora and Aurora?  What’re the odds?  Somebody must have known this would make for a great story.  Anyways, this girl Aurora is about four years old.  She either wandered away from home or her mom was taking her to visit someone and their car broke down; the story changes depending which local you listen to.  What we know for sure is that the little girl ended up falling over the bridge.

Now ol’ Frem, he happened to be in the area.  It was around sundown and the fella felt like taking a lap or two around the lake.  He was waiting underneath the darkest part of the bridge for the sun to remove itself as a threat.  That’s when he saw Aurora falling.  The girl, not the bridge; but wouldn’t that be a sight to see?

Quick as a flash, without a second thought, The Fremont Troll ran towards the bridge.  He ducked around the concrete supports, he ran down the hill, and just before the land turned into water, he jumped off the top of a colossal tree and dove into midair.  Like something out of the movies, he caught the girl, curled up into a ball, and cushioned her blow as they both landed.  An unbelievable splash flew up into the air as the two cannonballed into the water.

The Fremont Troll knew enough about humans to realize that Aurora wasn’t going to survive for long.  She was young, she was soaking wet, and she was already shivering from the cold.  Staying damp would have meant her demise.  The hairy creature walked out of the water, holding her in the forearm of his right limb.  He let the last rays of sun warm her while he grabbed some trees and collected them in his right arm.

As soon as The Fremont Troll had enough pieces of kindling, he made for the shelter of the bridge.  He knew it was most likely doomed, but he didn’t see that he had any choice.  The Fremont Troll crawled into the most recessed, most sheltered enclosure that the bridge had to offer.  He watched with his one glassy eye as the fire slowly warmed the little girl.

Aurora’s parents, having watched the whole thing in horror, came zooming up in their Volkswagen Bug.  Like any good parent, they wanted to make sure that their daughter was okay.  The two swallowed their fear of the troll and parked right in front of him.  They slammed the doors shut as they ran to their daughter.  At that point, she was almost back to her normal self.  The parents held Aurora close and wept tears of joy.

They turned to thank their daughter’s savior, but it was too late.  The exposure to the sun had done its damage.  The troll felt a sharp pain and he lashed his arm out in anguish.  He clutched the closest thing he could find, the VW Bug, and clenched his long fingers around it as the searing agony took over his body and he was turned to stone.  Oddly enough, due to its proximity to the behemoth, the car was turned to stone as well.

So yes, there are good trolls out there.  Still, we think it makes sense to keep our distance.  Every once in a while, if they’re feeling friendly, the trolls will make themselves known.  But some creatures just have a hard time controlling their desire to eat us.  Live and let live, right?

Oh, and don’t feel too bad for The Fremont Bridge.  There are still people looking for a cure.  Really, all you need is a few red feathers from the wings of a Pegasus.  It may take a while, but they’ll find one.

What’s that?  You’ve never seen a Pegasus?  Really?  Dang.  Kid, we gotta get you out to some bigger zoos.  I mean, that’s just silly.

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